It's Not Your Fault But Mine
by Wings Of The Dreamer
Summary: 4x04 reaction fic. Blaine's POV. After returning to McKinley, Blaine waits every day for Kurt to contact him. As his calls are continued to be ignored, Blaine begins to find other ways to deal with the pain. Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons. Warnings inside.


**I know I should be writing ATS, F17 and FFAH. But I HAD to write this reaction fic okay? But i've also been overloaded with homework and coursework. You can thank my friend Emily who has been my one time Beta;) **

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm and depression.**

* * *

Two months. Two months since Blaine had left New York. Two months since he had left Kurt.

He checked Facebook hourly, always checking their relationship status. It remained the same. Always _Blaine Anderson is in a relationship with Kurt Hummel. _It was the tiniest bit of hope Blaine had. It was hanging by a thread, but it was still there.

Some days, no one would speak to Blaine. And Blaine would try eager for their attention, eager for someone to do something, say something… anything. He felt like he was screaming so loud but no one could hear. He eventually figured out that no one could hear, because no one was listening.

Kurt ignored every text and every call. He ignored every Skype and Facetime invitation. He ignored all the Facebook and Twitter messages. He ignored Blaine. Completely.

Eventually, Blaine just stopped. He stopped singing. He stopped talking. He stopped wearing nice clothes and settled for sweats and t-shirts instead.

He was giving up.

He hated himself. He hated everything about him. He hated what he did.

He knew it was wrong and now he and Kurt weren't even talking.

Blaine needed a sign. Just one sign. Any sign. Even if it was through someone else he didn't care. Just to know that Kurt was okay. Because it was killing him just waiting around in Ohio waiting for some kind of message.

Every day he expected a message to say they were over. That message never came. But neither did any others.

Blaine cut himself off from others. He stopped contributing to glee, and didn't even bother attending any of the other clubs he'd joined. No one even noticed…

One night, when Blaine had just got out the shower, he was standing in front of his sink. A fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist as he stood staring into the mirror. He looked terrible. His hazel eyes bloodshot and drooping from the lack of sleep he'd been having. He was up all night, every night, always hoping for something to happen. He knew it was stupid, but he just… _couldn't _sleep.

As he stared at his reflection, he could feel the anger inside him building. He'd ruined everything. Everything he loved and cared about was gone, because of one stupid mistake. He'd ruined his once chance at love.

He missed Kurt. Kurt who had those beautifully striking blue-green eyes. The eyes that always held so much love and hope. The eyes that filled with tears that night in Battery Park. Kurt, who was so perfectly imperfect.

Blaine had ruined everything by that one huge mistake. He wished he'd never even added Eli as a friend-

His fist collided with the mirror without him even thinking. Pain shot through his hand and up his arm as the mirror cracked all the way up to the edges. He winced and pulled his hand away; watching as a few shards of glass fell and clattered into the porcelain sink.

He looked at them in shock, his hands visibly shaking. A dark red drop of liquid fell and hit the sink silently. He watched, surprised, as the single drop became two. Then three. And it continued.

His eyes darted to his hand, which was still clenched into a tight fist. A single shard of the mirror was impaled in between his knuckles, drenched in his own blood.

It took Blaine a few moments to gain sense before moving to pull the shard out; flinching when the shard moved inside his fist, making the pain increase. When it was out, he dropped it into the sink, seeing more blood splatter and stain the white porcelain.

He outstretched his hand, gasping in pain as more blood leaked from the gash. He was confused, not quite sure how he felt about the wound, but he could see and feel himself shaking.

He left the bathroom, his eyes never straying his bloody hand, and found his phone. He sat himself down on his bed, fumbling blindly with his phone as he stared at his hand and attempted to call someone. When he shot a quick glance to his phone, he found he'd gotten the right person, and so hit call.

He placed the phone to his ear shakily as he kept staring at his hand, clenching and unclenching it repeatedly.

"_The person you have called is currently unavailable. Please leave a message, or try again later."_

Blaine sighed, knowing this would've happened anyway. The beep sounded the moment he let out a heart-shattering sob.

He tried but couldn't find any words to say. He just continued to breath into the speaker, watching as his thick blood oozed from the gash and slowly trickled down his arm.

He eventually dropped his phone, hitting the End Call button moments before it slipped from his fingers. Continuing to cry, he fell backwards onto his bed, not caring about the blood being smeared on the covers.

That's how it started. That's how he started to think that maybe he deserved the pain. So he took it upon himself to deliver the pain more frequently. Meaning, every night when he went home after glee, he would hide himself in his room with a small, sharp razor.

The cuts and scars grew daily, yet still no one noticed how much pain Blaine was in. Or maybe they just didn't care.

This same routine continued up until Christmas. He still sent daily messages to Kurt, all of which were ignored, as usual. Except as Christmas drew near, the tiny bit of hope he'd been desperately clinging onto for months seemed to grow. Only slightly. Because he knew Kurt would be back for Christmas.

He was going to try to talk to Kurt. Determined to make Kurt listen this time.

He had to.

It was the last day of school before they broke up for the holidays and Blaine was heading to his last glee club session before the New Year started. He really didn't see the point. His lack of participation was making no impact, it's not like they needed him anymore. They hadn't even given him a solo for Sectionals, and they'd still got through to Regionals.

Blaine kept his head down as he walked through the hallway. His long sleeved shirts had replaced his t-shirts helping to hide the scars. But he could always use the excuse that it's winter if anyone asked. Not that they would.

And that's when he walked straight into someone, sending Blaine's books flying out of his hands and scattering all over the floor.

Blaine cowered slightly, waiting for some kind of abusive words or a vicious shove as he quietly mumbled an apology. When nothing happened, he scrambled to the floor shakily and started gathering up his books, not even bothering to look at who he'd walked into.

He reached for his history book with his right hand, the one with the ugly scar in his knuckle from the first night; when someone else reached down to pick it up too. Their hands brushed together and Blaine recoiled quickly, still keeping his head down.

That's when he heard his name being said a soft, broken yet familiar voice. Blaine let out a shuddery breath and glanced up, a squeak leaving his mouth when he saw Kurt. Glorious, perfect Kurt. He looked amazing, as usual, but there was another expression on his face. A look of worry.

"I… I'm sorry… I…" Great. The second Blaine needed the words, they wouldn't come to him. Now he was standing there stuttering like a complete idiot.

"Blaine." Kurt said again, louder this time. "You… You look terrible."

Blaine fumbled with the few books he was holding, nearly dropping them again as he shrugged his shoulders. The halls around them were emptying, and soon enough they were left alone in an awkward silence.

"What happened?" Kurt asked.

Blaine looked up into Kurt's eyes, trying his hardest to stay strong and not lose his composure. He gave him a _really? _look.

"Blaine-"

"Stop. Please." He whispers, his voice catching as he tried harder to hold back tears.

"But-"

"No. Stop! This is my fault. Everything is my fault. All of it. I tried so hard to be… okay. And I never, _ever _meant to hurt you. I swear." Blaine's voice was still a little wobbly, but it grew stronger and he never broke eye contact. "I just… I felt so…_alone. _You were the first person to make me feel loved, Kurt. And the second you were gone… I didn't know what to feel. I just… you had no time for me anymore. And I don't blame you for that at all. You were excited about New York and your internship. And you had every right to be. It's just… when Eli started showing me attention, I felt like… like I was important to someone again. Like someone wanted me. And I know I'm a fucking hypocrite after what happened with Chandler, but it just happened. I was alone, and… I regret it. I regret all of it. And not just because I've ended up with no boyfriend, no friends, no family, no nothing. But because I hurt the person I love the most. I cheated. And that was wrong. I hate myself for it. I hate everything about me. Sometimes… sometimes I think would anyone care if I wasn't here anymore? Would anyone even notice? I doubt it!"

Blaine took a jittery breath and finally looked away. "Look I… I'm really, really sorry, Kurt. I… I hope you have a wonderful life, and that you find someone that can love you better than I ever did."

He was grateful that Kurt had just stood there and listened, letting him explain, letting him get his point across.

It meant a lot to him.

He turned just as a sob left his lips. He was about to break into a run when he felt a tight grip on his left arm. He yelped in pain and yanked his arm away, but he didn't go any further, choosing instead to nurse his arm. The one that was covered in scars and cuts, some extremely fresher than others.

"Blaine… Show me your arm." Blaine shook his head violently, another broken, heart-wrenching sob leaving his lips. "Blaine Joseph Anderson. Look at me. And show me your arm." Kurt repeated more sternly this time.

Blaine slowly turned around, looking up at Kurt as tears fell from his eyes and he held out his arm. He winced as Kurt slowly pushed up the sleeve of his shirt, closing his eyes when he heard Kurt's gasp. He attempted at pulling his arm away, but failed miserably. When he next heard Kurt's voice, it sounded broken, almost like he was crying too.

"Blaine… I… Why?"

"Y-You wouldn't a-answer me. I t-tried everything… I swear… I just… It j-just happened… I c-couldn't st-stop. No one c-cared anyway…"

"I care. I care, Blaine. I'm sorry that I made you feel so alone. I'm sorry that I made you feel like no one cared. And I would've fucking answered you if I had known. But… I was hurt too. And upset. And I understand how sorry you are and you really and truly regret it…. And… I want to forgive you… but I can't."

Blaine let out a fresh set of tears, his frame starting to tremble.

"I can't forgive you because of the condition that you're in. Because you hate yourself too much to understand that you're truly forgiven. You need help, Blaine. Professional help… I think… I think you might have depression."

Blaine just shrugs through his sobs.

"Blaine… I care about you. You're hurting. A lot… And I _need_ you to get better. I was talking to Sam… he said how… bad you're taking things. They're worried about you."

Yeah right! Blaine thinks sarcastically. They haven't even tried talking to me! They don't care!

"I'm worried about you. I need you to get better, Blaine. I need you to be okay. Because I can't help you. Not the way you need help. Once you're better… then we can talk things over, okay? Then we can be together. Because no matter what the hell we go through, I will always, always love you-"

"You should hate me!" Blaine whisper-shouts, his voice not strong enough to really shout. "You should hate me and what I did to you. To us."

"But I don't." Kurt counters.

"But you should."

"But I _don't." _ He says a little more forcefully, willing Blaine to understand. This is why he needed Blaine to get better. Otherwise he'd keep arguing like this. "I don't hate you. I'll _never_ hate you. I love you, Blaine. I will _always_ love you."

And then Kurt leant forwards, capturing Blaine's lips in a kiss. It was long, but chaste. This one single kiss filled them both with hope, engulfing them with love and a glimpse of the happiness that their future would hold. When Kurt pulled away, Blaine frowned, but Kurt's lips don't travel far.

"One, for one year for us to get back together."

He kisses Blaine again.

"Two, for another year when you or me shall propose."

He kisses Blaine one final time.

"Three, for the last year. The one when we'll get married."


End file.
